Or for both?
Yes, both is the ultimate, the ideal. That elusive carrot at the end of the stick that I’m chasing.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a personal, more philosophical post, and this might be a bit of a “poor me” pity party so please forgive…
I’m at a weird place in the my life right now. A crossroads if you will, where I feel I need to do something big to get myself ahead of the game. It’s not that I’m stagnating, but time seems to move so fast, and all the things that (I perceive) I just HAVE TO DO are piling up and it’s like I’m in a perpetual hamster wheel that I can’t get off of. I never would have thought I’d be in my early 40’s still wondering “what am I doing with my life?”
No one said trying to create the life of your dreams would be easy, but I wasn’t really anticipating the high highs, and the low lows. I’m prone to getting blue and occasionally letting the negative thoughts get inside my head.
“You’re not good enough.” “You’re not talented enough.” “You’re wasting your time.” “Just get a real job.”
How do you kick these thoughts to the curb? And just where do these thoughts come from? They usually erupt out of the blue. Nothing in my situation has changed, it’s just my thought pattern, and my allowing them in. A friend has suggested visualizing a huge red stop sign whenever these thoughts start to creep in.
I tried it two days ago when (for no apparent reason) I started letting those feelings of self-doubt and gloom and doom creep in. It actually worked! I DO have power over my mind! At least now I know that if the crazy monkeys come knocking, I can put up the stop sign, and if that doesn’t work hit them over the head with it.
So, once I get myself back on track with positive thoughts and energy I usually become like a one armed paper hanger, trying to do too much in not enough time. I was just joking around with a friend (who is an artist, writer and actor) that we should start a “non-paid workaholics anonymous support group.” That is exactly the way I feel most of the time! I work my nards off for the “if-come” not the “in-come” and frankly, it sucks!
Most of the time I remember why I’m doing it. I write in my blogs to practice my writing, share my photos, my experiences and my creative endeavors. In my mind it acts as a sort of online portfolio, and who knows, if I can garner enough readers, maybe it’ll even supplement my income one day.
I make art because it’s who I am. I have no choice. It’s in me, and it has to come out. Simple as that. I’ll do it for as long as I’m on this earth, even if I never make a penny off of it (but I do… that is one of the ways I make my living presently.) I’ve actually been selling my art ever since I was a little girl. My grandma was one of my very first customers…. it definitely sparked the entrepreneurial spirit, having that two dollar bill put into my hot little hands. CANDY money!
I have so much to look forward to in the next couple of months. I’m going to a Travel Blog Conference (TBEX) in Toronto in early June and right before that it’s New York City! I can’t even start to tell you how excited I am to get back there. I used to go three times a year for trade shows, so I’d always have a little taste of the big apple, but never a full on bite. My dad is going with me. He’s a huge New York aficionado, and we travel in the same way at the same pace so I think it’s going to be fun, and exhausting. Look for a new section on the blog that’ll be called “And and Rand take Manhattan.” It’s going to be a hilarious romp, me thinks!
So, for now I’m going to fight the good fight to soldier on to create this life that I desire (you know, there’s no manual for it) and FEEL the highs, and FEEL the lows but not let the lows beat me. I AM IN CHARGE of this life, and it’s my obligation to live it to its fullest. Challenge accepted.
Am I alone here? Does anyone else get riddled with feelings of self-doubt? Do you have any tricks to get yourself out of the virtual hole?